


Guilt

by dxmichelle



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: ALL ABOARD THE ANGST TRAIN, Comfort, Gen, Grief, Post-Series, Self-Reflection, YGOME2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:07:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27566473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dxmichelle/pseuds/dxmichelle
Summary: They did it - the world was saved. There would be no more crises. Life could return to some semblance of normal, and a bright future sat before Yugi, beckoning him forward with a smile.So why, deep down, did he feel so awful?
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7
Collections: Yu-Gi-Oh! It's Time to G-G-G-Gift! [Mini-Exchange]





	Guilt

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beemotionpicture](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beemotionpicture/gifts).



> For @beemotionpicture, who requested Yugi's feelings on the Ceremonial Battle/The Aftermath. I hope you enjoy it!! :D

It all happened so fast that now, in the aftermath, everything felt like one great blur.

First, they saved the world. _Really_ saved the world this time. The destiny that Isis vaguely warned them of, from that fateful museum visit that seemed to feel both like just yesterday and yet such a long time ago was finally over. It wasn’t her brother they needed to save mankind from, no matter how warped and twisted his mind became while he kept the Millennium Rod.

Despite having a bit more of an ‘end of the world’ feel to it, it wasn’t with their run in with Dartz and the powerful Orichalcos either. Sure the skies turned black, monsters appeared in the skies and a giant flying lizard was stealing souls from the unsuspecting all over the world, but that wasn’t _the_ villain to stop. And their only clue to knowing the Orichalcos _wasn’t_ the end Isis had mentioned was when they held up the three God cards to the Tablet of Memories, nothing happened.

Well, not nothing. The tablet itself crystallized over, as if to say, _‘N_ _ope, this isn’t the proper time; please try again later’_.

It came from _Bakura_ , of all people. How they never figured this out, knowing the Spirit of the Millennium Ring had been after both the Millennium Puzzle _and_ the Pharaoh for as long he could remember them meeting, was beyond him.

But it was all over now. In the blink of an eye, the Pharaoh found his memories and recovered his lost name. The Dark Bakura and Zorc Necrophades both defeated for good. Peace at last.

Despite the crushing weight of their task technically on the Pharaoh’s shoulders and not his own, Yugi felt no greater relief than when he and the others woke on the floor of that tomb, whole and unharmed. With the Pharaoh back in the Puzzle versus the emptiness of him being sucked away into the Tablet of Lost Memories.

 _Atem_ , Yugi reminded himself. Not ‘Partner’, or ‘Other Me’. Not ‘Yugi’ or ‘the Other Yugi’. And certainly not just _Pharaoh_. He had a name.

But before any of them could get used to it, there was a final duel. Of _course_ it was a duel.

It went by so quickly that he couldn’t even remember taking the time to breathe. Standing on either end of the chamber, truly squaring off for the first and only time. It hardly seemed right that the very cards that he and Atem both used in order to right so many wrongs would be used against him. The God Cards. _Dark Magician_.

He chose his card to place in the _Gold Sarcophagus_ with care, and he vaguely remembered the shocked gasps from his friends when _Monster Reborn_ emerged, cancelling Atem’s summoning of the _Sky Dragon of Osiris_.

And then he was on his knees. Atem was beside his side in an instant, comforting him. He told him not to cry, he won. Champions don’t rest on their knees, he had said. But he couldn’t help it – it was one thing to hear, and to know what his victory would mean before they started.

The moment the _Gold Sarcophagus_ rose to the field, negating _Monster Reborn_ , the weight of his turn dropped his heart into the pit of his stomach.

There were no more cards to play. That was it. He won the duel. The words echoed through his mind over and over and over again. _He won. Atem lost the duel. He won..._

He stood around the others, and gave a tearful goodbye. Atem wasn’t crying. And with a smile and a thumbs up, his clothes transformed from the duplicate of Yugi’s ensemble to his robes and golden jewelry.

Then he was gone.

The door slammed shut and there was just enough time to say an afterword of farewell before the tomb started to collapse. Yugi could barely remember running for the stairs, and had enough thought to take one last glance behind him, to see the Millennium Stone, and the seven items it held, become swallowed by the earth.

* * *

Yugi didn’t talk for the majority of the plane ride home, but did manage to give a small smile and a wave to his grandfather at the airport. Grandpa naturally pressed for details but only received short, clipped answers in return: what happened to the Millennium Puzzle? (“Gone.”) Did they get to finish what they set out to do? (“Yes.”) Did he still have the God cards? (“No.”)

Though he had to check himself on the last one. It was no secret that his grandfather loved to admire them, but Yugi vaguely remembered the tomb taking back the God monsters, just as it did the Millennium Items, as if to say _the Pharaoh has left. The Millennium Items are gone. Their work is done, they can all finally rest_.

Yugi sank down onto his bed and, with a shaking hand, pulled the golden box from his bag. Inside sat both his new _Duel Monsters_ deck, and the one he used to share with Atem. He removed his deck and put it safely away in his deck box. But he couldn’t help but stare at the set of cards he left inside.

 _Ten years_ …

Yugi scooted back against his headboard and clutched the golden puzzle box tightly against his chest, eyes closed.

If he went back in time ten years to the date Grandpa handed him the Millennium Puzzle, broken apart in this very box and told his younger self of all he had to look forward to, both the good and the bad, he would have thought himself mad. Eight years to complete a simple puzzle? _Ridiculous!_ Magic? _Come on!_

Yugi swallowed down the lump forming in his throat and ran a finger along the inscriptions on one side. “I…know you’re gone now,” he said, “and I really didn’t get a chance to thank you. To _properly_ thank you.”

He sat up a little straighter. “You said that fate brought us together for a reason…and…well….”

His eyes closed again, and he took a deep breath. “I…never thought myself to be strong. Anzu stood up for me all the time, but…I didn’t really have any other friends. You know how things were…when you first emerged. But Grandpa gave me this box…and said that there was some sort of magic to this puzzle – that no one had been able to solve it. But whoever did? They’d get a wish.

“I don’t think I ever told you this…and maybe you just knew…but I wished for a friend. In the beginning, I always thought that’s what brought me and Anzu closer to Jou and Honda, but you know…I think what I really got was you.”

He drew his knees up, ignoring the deep ache forming in his chest. “Not in the sense you would think – I mean, yeah, you came along with the Puzzle, but I mean _you_. Sure things were off to a bit of a shaky start in the beginning, but…above all else, you became such a dear friend. And more than that, we were partners. A _team_.”

“…And I think that’s why the ultimatum in your tomb was so difficult. I wonder if you knew it existed – that I’d have to give up my wish to find your true name….

“I thought it meant that I would lose Jou and Anzu and Honda – the friends I wished for. And maybe if we didn’t move fast enough to get across that might have been true. But…I know what it really meant.”

Another deep breath, and his fingers tightened around the golden box. He could feel his eyes starting to water but he blinked them back before they could fall. “I really lost _you_. And…I know that after all these years you’re finally at peace and your soul can rest with your true family and friends, but…”

Yugi hung his head again and sniffed, internally chiding himself. Atem told him not to cry.

“…I know you said we’d never truly be apart, and I know it hasn’t been very long, but…there’s a _hole_ here.” He pressed his knees up as close as he could get them and rested his head on top. “Even before you were released, you were here, with me somehow. And I don’t know if the empty space in my heart will ever fill again.”

He reached into the box and pulled the top card from the deck. _Dark Magician._ “I know you’ll still be here with me, even if we’re not bonded through a Millennium Item. This card meant so much to the both of us. I’m not sure if I’ll continue to use this deck – _your deck –_ after this…but at least with _Dark Magician_ , and _Dark Magician Girl_ too, I have a way of keeping you with me, in the game we love so much.”

Yugi shifted up again and fanned out Atem’s deck, locating _Dark Magician Girl_ out of the center. Adding both magicians to his own lineup shouldn’t upset the balance too much. Tonight wasn’t the time for it, but after a good night’s rest and the chance to dwell on it properly, he was sure there would be a way to support putting those in, to keep a piece of Atem with him.

In the meantime though, it seemed only right to house Atem’s cards in the puzzle box. A duelist’s heart and soul resided in their cards, and with the Puzzle gone, shattered to pieces somewhere far under the desert surface, the golden box was all he had left.

Yugi set the two magicians back carefully on the top of the stack, gingerly replaced the lid, and readied for bed, and all the while felt guilt chip away at his insides. But why though – everything was right with the world. They set out and destroyed the darkness. Atem’s spirit was freed. He left, _smiling_.

So why did he still feel so awful? Was freeing Atem’s spirit from the confines of the Puzzle and allowing him to return to the Afterlife to be with his own family and friends not the answer?

Yugi tilted his head back and stared up through the skylight at the twinkling stars. Atem always did like to perch himself on the edge of his desk at night and stare deeply up at them when he was deep in thought over something; a practice he started following that first day in the museum, where he learned the first steps of what destiny had in store. Knowing that he would no longer be there to sit and observe the constellations, or wonder of the orbiting satellites _hurt_.

With a sigh, Yugi looked down, to a brochure sitting on the edge of his desk. They had plans to go to the planetarium, part of Domino City’s university, to see an exhibition of the planets next month. Something Atem wanted to do. _He_ still could go, maybe with Anzu. Jou or Honda would go with him if he asked, but he knew it probably wasn’t something they’d be truly interested in doing.

It just wouldn’t be the same without him.

The clock on his bedside table blinked, the minutes resetting from :59 to :00. Midnight. In so many hours the sun would rise, beckoning in a new day.

Yugi continued to stare blankly at the numbers on the clock. _Time…_

 _That’s_ what it was. Deep down, there were so many things he wished he could have done, or said, but there just wasn’t enough time. Perhaps that was why he felt so off. He felt free, knowing that there was no crisis to solve, no tournament to battle for his dueling title.

Atem didn’t get that. His short stint as a Pharaoh was then followed up by thousands of years in a lonely limbo, so he could be summoned for the longest case of crisis management in the history of history. And the moment it was done, he was dismissed.

And they were all _okay_ with it.

The knot in his chest tightened and Yugi set the box onto his desk and quickly drew his hand back, as if his thoughts would activate the millennia-old magic and burn him. A ridiculous notion, knowing that for one, the Shadow Games were over, two – the Millennium Items were _gone_ , and three – there was literally nothing left in the box except for Atem’s deck.

The lingering remains of the Pharaoh’s heart.

No longer contained, the tears fell freely. “I…I think I’ve made a terrible mistake….”

* * *

Yugi looked over as Anzu sat down beside him on the bench.

“I didn’t expect to find you here,” she said, “and honestly, this is the last place I would have expected to look for you.”

Yugi smiled, though it didn’t reach his eyes, and he then looked away from her, staring straight ahead.

They were in the Domino Museum, in the downstairs chamber of the Egyptian Exhibit. The Tablet of Memories and its sister carving of various ancient _Duel Monsters_ had long since been replaced by other artifacts. Like Atem, they had served their purpose, and were sent back to a final resting place, though he could still visit those if he wanted, for now.

There was no telling if the Ishtars had any plans to send them back to whatever tomb they were found in, now that the Pharaoh was at peace.

“How did you know?”

“I didn’t,” she admitted, “But I stopped by the shop, and your grandpa said you weren’t home…and you weren’t in the square or at Burger World, and I had already checked with Jou….”

“It felt right,” Yugi said softly, and stared down at his lap.

Anzu clasped her hands in her lap. She wasn’t sure exactly what to say. _How are you_ didn’t seem appropriate. They had all just lost a friend. She knew exactly how Yugi had to be feeling, because she was going through it too. But no matter how awful she felt, how much her heart ached to see and be with the Pharaoh, it had to be worse for Yugi, because they shared a bond like no other.

Yugi finally spoke, after several long minutes of silence. “It was weird…waking up this morning.”

She looked over at him.

“I got so used to him,” Yugi continued, “that him _not_ being there…. Sometimes he would be out and about when I would wake up, sort of ghosting around. Sometimes he wouldn’t be. But I was never alone because his presence was still there, with me.”

Anzu tilted her head curiously. “He was…a ghost?”

Yugi smiled, warmer this time, and let out a quiet little laugh. “Yeah. Only I could see him. Sometimes I could talk to him, like…internally? Mentally? And other times he would just be there next to me, like you are now, and we’d just talk. Like people do. Like he was a _real_ person.”

“He _was_ a real person,” said Anzu, “He lived and breathed just like the rest of us. We all got to know him, not just as an extension of you, but as his own person. And he was a dear friend to us all.”

Yugi hung his head. “I-I know,” he said, “But now…it feels worse knowing he’s gone. There’s a hole there, where he used to be.”

Téa gave him a thin smile and reached for his hand, which he gladly took. He sighed and squeezed their fingers together.

“Grief does that,” she said, “You’re not alone, Yugi. We all lost him. It will hurt a lot…and that's okay. You have every right to feel so empty. He was a part of you! But in time, that hole will fill itself in.”

He glanced up at her, and she felt her heart break a little more at the sorrow in his eyes.

“It’s full of _guilt_ , Anzu. I sent him away!”

She bit her lip and drew back a little from him, and he only clutched her hand tighter.

Yugi stared down at his lap again. How could he explain this to Anzu – she had _feelings_ for Atem, after all! “I…it was all so sudden, Anzu…. One thing after another. Think of all the people we stopped. Pegasus, Malik. Dartz. _Bakura_. Atem didn’t have a moment’s peace up until we found his name. And the instant we had it, I let him go.”

“That’s what was meant to happen, though,” Anzu said softly, “Isis said so, remember? Th-‘the souls of the dead don’t belong in the living world’.”

“I know what she said…” Yugi sniffed. “But it doesn’t make me feel better.” He turned to look back at her again. “Do you think – _really_ think – that Atem is happier now than he would be if he were still here?”

Anzu’s jaw dropped open slightly and then she closed it, pressing her lips into a thin line. _She_ would certainly be happier if Atem stuck around, even for just a little while longer. But even then, she would still have to inevitably say goodbye to him, and it would still hurt just as much as it did now.

But that wasn’t Yugi’s question.

“I…I don’t know,” she said finally. “But I’m not Atem. Only he could answer that for us.”

“That’s my point,” said Yugi. “After all these years, Atem _deserves_ to be at peace. He spent thousands of years trapped in the Millennium Puzzle. And then spent every waking moment while out trying to rediscover who he was.”

He leaned back against the bench. “I don’t know what happened, Anzu. We talked about everything. Except the most important decision of our lives.”

He wrinkled his nose. Atem was still technically dead, or was he alive _again_ after emerging from the Puzzle? It didn’t matter and he tried not to dwell too much on that thought – it only made his stomach churn even worse.

“What exactly do you feel guilty over?” she asked. “Sending him home?”

Yugi squeezed his eyes shut and deeply exhaled. “I didn’t give him a _choice_.”

He used his free hand to wipe at his eyes and sniffled loudly. “Anzu…we spoke about him recovering his memories. It was something we knew _had_ to happen. But…everything after that….”

Anzu gently laid her free hand over their intertwined ones and stroked the back of Yugi’s hand with her thumb. “Hey,” she said, “None of us knew that he had only a short time after recovering his memories to go back. There wasn’t anything any of us could have done. Can you imagine how guilty _Atem_ would feel…if he squandered his opportunity? What would happen after all of us pass on, oh even a _hundred_ years or more from now? His soul would be stuck in the Puzzle and he’d never find peace!”

“I know…but I don’t think he really thought about it as well as he should have,” said Yugi, “What if Atem _wanted_ to stay? He barely got a chance to live as Pharaoh! Within days he sacrificed himself. And now – this was his best chance at getting to live the life he didn’t get before!”

He choked back a dry sob. “And I feel like I stole that from him.”

“Because you won the duel?”

“He meant so much to me, Anzu. To _us!_ How do you think it feels, knowing I’ll get to keep on living, and Atem won’t?”

“Yugi, look at me,” Anzu said, her voice firm, and she quickly straightened up in her seat. “Atem lived and died thousands of years before we were even born. By releasing him from the Puzzle, you gave him the chance to live again, _through_ you! But I think deep down, he knew he didn’t belong here, and that was why he chose to go back.”

Yugi wiped at his eyes again and turned his head towards Anzu, but he didn’t meet her gaze.

“How do you think he would feel, being tethered to you for the rest of your life? Being life’s observer, but not a real participant? Anything he _could_ do, he would have to do through you, and that’s no way to live, Yugi.”

Tears were freefalling down Yugi’s cheek, and he finally broke, falling into Anzu. She wrapped an arm around him, holding onto him while he cried into her shoulder.

“It’s alright to wish more for him, Yugi,” she said soothingly, trying to keep her voice calm, but every despaired sob he shuddered out shattered her heart over and over. “I wish he was still here too. _Really,_ I do. But to not go? That would only trap him in a new prison, and that’s not right.”

Yugi sniffed.

“Atem wouldn’t want you to feel guilty about his moving on,” she said, “You didn’t push him away. It was his decision to go back.”

“He didn’t have a choice. _I-I_ won the duel. I s-stopped him from summoning Osiris…”

“You did,” said Anzu, “And I can’t speak for Atem, but maybe deep down, he wanted you to win the duel. To show what everyone already knew – that you are stronger than you think, and that he could finally rest.”

Yugi sighed, shuddering. “I’m still going to miss him.”

Anzu nodded. “And you should! But that hole you feel, deep in your heart? It won’t stay empty forever. It’s okay to miss him and grieve his passing, but so long as we have memories of him, Atem will never truly be forgotten. Those memories will fill in the gap left behind.”

Yugi wiped the last tears from his eyes and, after several minutes, finally sat up again. “Y-you’re right, Anzu…. And so long as Atem lives on in our hearts, he’s never truly gone.”

She smiled at him. “That’s right.”

Anzu waited for the last of his tears to stop, and the shuddering breaths to calm themselves before she got up from the bench, pulling Yugi up with her.

“C’mon,” she said gently, and guided him towards the steps heading up and out of the exhibit.

“W-where are we going?” he asked.

“I remember going on a date here with Atem, and that’s how he first learned of his destiny,” said Anzu. “We’re going to go on a little date of our own. There’s a burger out there with your name on it.”

Yugi turned beet red. “W-what?! Anzu, I don’t know –”

“We’re going to celebrate Atem,” she said, “Who, after thousands of years of being trapped in the dark, all alone, can finally rest well knowing that there is so much light and love in his heart that it will never get lost in the shadows ever again.”

They stepped out of the museum and into the bright sunlight. Yugi held up a hand out of instinct to shield his eyes from the light that would normally reflect off of the Puzzle, and caught himself with his arm halfway to his eyes.

He wasn’t being blinded, and it was going to take some getting used to, to not feel the weight of the Puzzle around his neck anymore.

Hands held tight, Anzu led him down the museum steps and across the street towards downtown Domino. Neither of them spoke all the way to the nearest corner where she hit the button to signal for the crosswalk.

“Thank you,” Yugi said finally. “For the pep talk.”

“Of course,” Anzu said, squeezing his hand. “Do you feel better?”

“I do, a little,” said Yugi. “I…I just wish we had more time.”

“I know,” said Anzu, “But we will always have our memories of him to look back on and cherish.”

Yugi glanced up at the sky, a bright cloudless blue. Anzu was right – Atem deserved his freedom; one he wouldn’t get by lingering the modern world for eternity, just for their own desires. Now, much calmer than he was when he first arrived at the museum, he realized how…selfish? – he was, wishing for more time with him. He had more time with Atem than Anzu or Jou or anyone else! But they weren’t his only friends.

Atem sacrificed so much to save his kingdom that he left his world behind. It was only fair he got the chance to go to his Afterlife and see his own family and comrades again. 

Maybe he was watching over them right now.

Yugi smiled to himself as they walked into Burger World. The Millennium Puzzle may be gone, and he may no longer share a mind with Atem, but his heart already felt a tad less empty.

_Thank you, my friend. For everything._


End file.
